this feeling

yes, this feeling is bothering me now. i dont know what kind of feeling is this, but i shall say it like a bored version of yours truly's feeling. i hate this. i really want to start work as soon as possible cause i dont want to feel this feeling anymore. but im sure i will miss doing nothing but this feeling.. it became endless especially during late night and all i felt is just sad and heartless. i miss everything, i miss everyone and became jealous of what other people doing as i scrolled down my intagram or twiter. 

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well, i dont know how to describe it. its just like empty. but theres something in it. its like, not necessarily sad.. but empty.. really empty.. and the most terrible part is, i dont know to whom should i say all of this. well said, i dont have friends. i have.. but i dont really have. they all busy with their own life, their own work. and i just cant disturb them on their working or rest time just to hear this dumb feeling. besides, its hard to explain it and i know they cant understand it. because they cant feel it.

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i hate this feeling guys. i felt sad.. and angry.. all the time... i remembered all of the toughest phases in my life especially my recent event. i felt really really down that people underestimate me all the time, saying that i am up to no good, just wasting my time doing nothing while getting a job. like whattttttt =____=

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it makes me think that i had chose a wrong path. i always thought that its my fault and i should not involve in this physiotherapy thing at all. i just felt regret sometime like why i choose this why why why and whyyyy. it always an endless why.. and stressful part is when people kept asking me to massage because i took this physiotherapy field. hello, why everybody thinks that physiotherapy is all about massage only? all the time!!! why?? and that time again, i just cant defend myself and i dont know why.. i dont know how to clear all of this people mind and change their mindset about physiotherapy. i wish i could tell them but i just really cant as i think that im just a diploma graduate and no one will listen to me. its just so sad when people do their disgusting face to me and say i know nothing when i say its not about massage all the time.. and it always break my heart when they say they just came back from massage spa or they want to go to spa to massage and roll their eyes to me saying that im doing nothing and not use what i'd learned. how should i clear all of this stupid nonsense thing omaigod!!

maybe i'll write about this field in a new entry later. 

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its so hard to have a mix feeling like this. you have to feel all of the feeling at one time. my hearts gonna explode guys and i almost burst to my tears every night. i hate to being sad and cry when i want to go to bed but this feeling is torturing me. its a lump in my heart guys.. and i always felt this when im alone, or im bored. i miss being busy guys.. 

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and this heart felt lonely. and empty.. i like someone 3 days before and i dont know if this is the right feeling. like i miss this one but i also miss the previous one and the other one before this previous one and felt guilty bout it and miss everything and everyone that never think of me and never know that im existed in this whole worldwide. its confusing guys whether another part of this feeling is really because i like him or just another bored yours truly.

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i dont know guys.. really really dont know. its clueless and endless and whatsoever 'less' in this world. again guys im telling you, i dont know to whom should i share all of this. not to my friend because they're busy. not to my family because i never share anything to my family especially this hearty thingy thing. not to my social media like instagram or twiter or whatever because i never tell my followers that im in sad and maybeeeeeeee they will judge me? i dont know.. and why i write it here? because i know there's no one reading this. or if anyone does, thanks to you for spending time reading this, please contact me cause  i need your advice and moral support #eh. 

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i hope this feeling fades away. im sure it will, when yours truly is busy. but i hope its fades away before im being busy cause i really wanna enjoy this time of mine before starts working. any advice or positive vibes guys? how to overcome this insane feeling or should i say, overthinking? but i dont think so... right? do you ever feel like this before?

yours truly,

dee